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Children, Family, Parenting, Parenting Advice

Parenting With Purpose

 

Are you parenting with purpose?

Before I get into more detail let’s look at my parenting journey. I was a fairly young parent starting out, something that I am truly grateful for, but I do realise most have very little control over this. Having a baby, like most other things, came easy to me; no great fuss, we decided we wanted a baby and it pretty much happened instantly. Great you may think but sometimes you get more than you bargain for! I have never been the most patient person and I guess I am rather selfish by nature, so my introduction into parenthood was anything but smooth. In actual fact I fought it all the way but being young it meant that life could still kick the stubbornness out of me. I was gifted with a perfect baby girl who made it her life mission to challenge all the parts of me that needed it.

The early weeks of being a new parent were probably the most difficult adjustment I have had to make in my life. You are thrown into an unknown world with little or no preparation for what you are doing. Normal daily functions become a luxury (even eating a meal is a challenge) and sleep you can forget about completely! It is amazing what sleep deprivation can do to a person. My early days of being a mom are somewhat of a blur. Certain things I think I have chosen to block from my memory but what I can say for sure is that I have grown immensely as a parent and a person since those early days.

We have moved on somewhat since those early days, two children later and hopefully a fair amount wiser! I do feel that it is valuable to take stock and assess how far I have come as a parent and for that matter as a person! So what kind of parent am I? Well I am neither a helicopter parent, who watches their child’s every move, nor am I the standby and watch-it-happen-type. I feel that I am somewhere in the middle. My decision quite a while ago was never to push my children into things they did not want to do. Do not get me wrong, I care very much whether my children succeed or fail but they need to choose what they fail or succeed at. I once made the fatal error of encouraging (ok pushing!) my eldest to take dance lessons, until one day I enquired whether she was enjoying it. Her little face turned to mine with a rather anxious expression “no mom” – when I asked why she was doing dancing if she was not enjoying it, her very innocent but alarming response was “I am doing it for you”!!!

This event was all the wakeup call I needed; my decision from that day forward was to never push my children but rather to encourage them. I see it every day, parents pushing and driving their children to the brink of near exhaustion, trying to be the best at everything. You really have to ask yourself whether it is all worth it? Will it make them better people in the long run? Probably not; very successful possibly, but well-rounded I don’t think so!

So what am I getting at? Well when I started out as a parent I had no idea where I wanted my parenting journey to lead to, but along the way I have come to realise that my duty as a parent is to be an advisor rather than a dictator, which does not come easy to me because I like to be in control. It may not be perfect but I want to let my children experience life for themselves, not some version that I have orchestrated for them.

Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care about someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself. ~ Deborah Reber, Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul

Teaching our children to be independent and stand on their own two feet will better equip them for life once they have to face the big wide world on their own. As parents we need to be on hand and ready to pick up the pieces if necessary but it is by living life that lessons are learned.

Parenting with purpose is something I am very passionate about and while I may not be a professional or do not have all the answers, I do feel that I have knowledge to impart and want to share my insights with you in the hope that it will be of some help in your parenting journey!

I would love hear from you – what has been the hardest part of your parenting journey and what has it taught you?

Too read more of my parenting insights click here

 

 

Children, Family, Fathers, Mothers, Parenting, Parenting Advice

Guilt Free Parenting

 

Much to my surprise the word “guilt” seems to be largely associated with the act of parenting; I have come across a few articles recently about this very association. Strangely enough they actually should have nothing in common but still we keep hearing about how guilty parents feel about : “ not spending enough quality time with their children”, “not participating in school events or functions”, “not giving equal attention to each child”… and so the list goes on.

Firstly let us look at the dictionary definition of the word “guilt” – “an awareness of having done wrong or committed a crime, accompanied by feelings of shame and regret”.  “OMW” 🙁 this does not sound like a healthy mind-set for someone trying to parent children.

The big question is, why are we feeling so much guilt and are we passing the “Guilt Gene” onto our children? I sincerely hope not because the last thing I want is my children growing up, with such a negative outlook.

If I think back to my early days of motherhood, I can remember feeling completely overwhelmed by the responsibility I had for this young life – if you let it, this can turn into feelings of guilt, inadequacy and even depression. We might not realise it but we may harbour feelings of regret or guilt from our own childhood and this can often manifest, in a damaging way in our own parenting.

Just the other day my 8-year-old was questioning why I had not completed filling in her baby journal and yes this is true (*Blush*) but I decided that instead of feeling guilty about it I would suggest that we complete it together! The result – making the experience a positive and bonding one, instead of me feeling wracked with guilt and explaining that I am not perfect . {And honestly have just not had the time.}

So what can we do to stop this pattern from occurring in our lives? I think, essentially we need to say NO to guilt! This brings me back to an article I read many years ago. I cannot tell you who wrote it but the essence is: you need to practice “good enough parenting”. This sounds like such an easy concept but think about it – you actually need to learn how to say “no”. That means not over committing yourself – which can be hard for many of us to do, especially moms. Stop being a people pleaser – ask me, I know I am one; stop trying to be everything to everybody! This includes your children. I need to remind myself, that I do not always have to give in to everything they want and I need to say no sometimes and yes – not feel guilty about it.

Another very important part of not allowing guilt to rule your life is not being afraid to fail because if we let our fear of not being a good parent or making mistakes take over, we can never be who we were truly intended to be as people or parents! So it really comes down to “the good, the bad and the ugly” no holds barred Guilt Free Parenting.

This clearly is something I know I need to work on – so let’s say it together “I will banish the guilt!” Stop trying so hard and being so hard on yourself -stop the blame game – let it go and just be free from it!

A few books on the topic which could be helpful to read:
  • “Guilt-Free Motherhood: Parenting with Godly Wisdom”- by Julianna Slattery
  • “Mommy Guilt: Learn to Worry Less, Focus on What Matters Most, & Raise Happier Kids”- by Julie Bort, Aviva Pflock and Devra Renner MSW
  • “The Balanced Mom: Raising Your Kids Without Losing Yourself”- by Bria Simpson
  • “Motherhood Without Guilt: Being The Best Mother You Can Be and Feeling Great About It”-by Debra Rosenberg

*Please note: This is an update of a previous post.*

 

Be Inspired, Children, Family, My Top, Parenting, Parenting Advice

My Top 4 Tips for Raising Girls

As a mom of two girls, one rapidly approaching her teens and the other puberty, I am often asked how I handle all the drama, that these tender years can bring with them. Well here are a few pearls of wisdom, things that I have learnt along the way – some lessons more painful than others!

  • There comes a point in your parenting journey, especially as a mom of girls and tweens or teens, when you are going to have to say no, to things they would like or would like to do. You may very well have to disappoint your children but part of your job, as a parent, is to protect and guide them! Especially in their teenage years, children need to understand what is appropriate and what is not! That a skirt may be way too short and that their make-up is too heavy, you have to teach them right from wrong. I think this is sometimes harder for the parent than the child because you do not want to come across as the “dragon mom” but at the same time, “rather safe than sorry”. What you have to understand, is that children will try to push boundaries and assert themselves, which at times means standing your ground and not giving in.
  • You are going to have to learn to share – everything! Clothing, makeup, shoes, even your husband – a good Father Daughter relationship is so important! The Barney saying “sharing is caring” comes to mind but there is a limit to everything! I grew up with a younger brother, so I never had to go hunting for my stuff. As a result, I am not used to sharing! This has been a huge learing curve for me. I think the important lesson here is to teach your children about personal space and how to respect yours and maintain theirs – in other words “to stay out of your stuff!”
  • There may be times when your girls make you feel insecure, intimidated and even a tad jealous {I can see a few eyebrows being raised!}. This is not necessarily a bad thing but it will bring you to the realisation that you are indeed human! It can be tough when they fit into that size 32 that is a long-lost memory for you! ;-), or when they achieve that A Grade that you always wished you could growing up. The important thing is to talk about your feelings, not let them overwhelm you and try to not live vicariously through your children – get your own “life”!
  • It is important, actually vitally important, to always maintain an open, honest relationship with your children – girls need to talk even if they say they don’t! It does not always have to be a world-changing, deep, meaningful conversation – just a “Hi how are you doing?” is enough sometimes! It often feels like you are unable to “get through” to your children but you can be assured that even if they do not appear to be listening to you, they are “hearing” you. So do not ever give up, keep communicating and you will get through to them!

To see more in My Top 4 series click here

Be Inspired, Family, Mothers, My Top, Parenting, Parenting Advice, Pregnancy

My Top 4 Pregnancy Tips

Although pregnancy may be a bit of a distant memory for me now, I thought I would share My Top 4 Pregnancy Tips with you!

  • Read, read, read – be informed, as ‘they’ say knowledge is power. So read all the books you can get your hands on, find out all you need to know to make the correct pregnancy and birth choices, for you. {You can have an information overload at times and it may scare you initially but it is worth it in the long run, to know what to expect!}
baby-books2
  • Ask questions, especially of moms that have been through it all already, most will be more than happy to share their experiences; you may just need to sift through some drama to get to the reality sometimes! Join an antenatal class, it’s a great place to meet other parents and discuss any of your fears or concerns.
  • Look after yourself – you are as important as your baby! Take time out for yourself, take your prenatal vitamins, rest, try to eat a healthy well-balanced diet {although sometimes the cravings will get the better of you!}, listen to your doctor he{or she} is usually right!
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  • Remember to enjoy every minute of your experience as a mom-to-be, talk to your unborn baby, play music for him/her, take time out to plan the nursery, enjoy shopping for those first precious little outfits – in other words remember to have some fun!
Recommended resources, books and magazines on pregnancy and parenting:
Your Parenting Website & magazine publications – they deal with all aspects of pregnancy and parenting.
Baby Sense Website & books – I read the original book and found it very helpful.
Living and Loving Website and magazine – I used to read the mag from cover to cover!
Parent Hub Website – lots of great, useful information for parents.
“Birth Your Way” & “The New Pregnancy and Childbirth” books by Sheila Kitzinger.
Images: ©FAR Photography
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